Self-Gratification

I get it, I'm not a "real" attorney by most people's standards.  I work *gasp* for free.  And by free I mean I work at a non-profit and don't charge for my services as an attorney....which apparently renders me the opposite of a "real" attorney, whatever that is.

I can honestly say, however, that I've never done anything where either my client or opposing counsel (real attorneys) felt a facepalm was necessary.  You know what I mean, that instinct reaction where you hit your own face with your hand and either internally or audible utter "doh!"

These real attorneys I regularly encounter, however, do.  Often.

Today was no exception:  dude's been an attorney for like 15 years so you'd think he'd know if he was the respondent or petitioner (this distinction in the legal world is important....it determines what side of the table you sit on.  Sounds banal, but goddamnit it matters).

Our case got called and I told the judge...excuse me, commissioner (not really a judge but really a judge -- kinda like the distinction between a "real" attorney and me) I need to go get my client.  Dude ignored me and started making his appearance.  Commissioner asked him if it was okay to let me get my client.  Then I rolled up and dude was in my spot.  "I'm the petitioner [asshole], you need to move."

He looked confused for a moment....then moved to his designated spot.

We then made appearances and he objected to the commissioner telling her he wished to have an actual judge hear the case -- because nothing endears you more to the bench than being condescending.

He also instructed her that he believed the case should be heard on the actual judge's law and motion calendar....my favorite commissioner calmly looked at him, told him where he'd be put and let him know she'd make a special note for the judge.

I'd like to think, based on my experience with this commissioner who's kinda a bad-ass, is that her note read like this:

Dear Actual Judge:  This attorney is a dickweed who thinks he owns the joint and clearly has his head shoved up his ass.  Not only is he trying to depose a DV vic, but he's also telling me I'm not a real judge and instructing me how to calendar his case for you.  I suggest you tell him to suck on goat balls and send him on his way.  PS he's also an idiot who doesn't know if he's the Petitioner or Respondent....so basically he's a moron.  Good luck.  PPS -- Ms. Bucket of Awesome is the other attorney: we both know how this will end

SIDENOTE:  This commissioner reminds me a lot of Dana Carvey's "Church Lady" -- says some pretty funny shit to people, being really really harsh but does it in a sing-songey voice so you think she's being really nice but she's actually verbally slicing you apart.  Like the time my deranged OP insisted on a "real trial....like with a jury" and she just said "Mr. Deranged Dude, this IS a trial; you don't get a jury because this is domestic violence, so you're stuck with me."  I think internally that was followed by that "teehee" I sometimes do when I'm doing legal jujitsu on folks and looking super cute and innocent while doing it.

Anyways, so after we got that squared away we went outside where counsel informed me that the Bar (not THAT bar....like the legal bar) might be contacting me due to a letter I had written to him.  Initially I thought he'd reported me to the bar....fucker.  Oh wait, no you didn't report me to the bar.  Because I said I thought what you were doing was unethical....you reported yourself to the bar.  I see.

Sir, are you a moron?

I wonder if his client knew that based on one letter from another attorney of possible unethical conduct had him reporting himself to the bar?  If I had to report myself to the bar every time I was accused of being unethical -- I'm not, but the accusation gets made A LOT when I don't do what other attorneys and opposing parties like -- I'd have self reported about 20+ times.....every attorney would.

Regardless, I was endlessly entertained that this dude was a dickweed in court and was a self-reporter to the bar.....this case is gonna be fun.  I wonder if I tell him masturbating is evil and he should flaggelate himself every time he had a dirty thought if he would....I mean the mere suggestion of unethical behavior had him self reporting to the bar....wonder what a direct accusation/contention would bring.